


an attempt to hold on

by monogalya



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Implied Relationships, No Plot/Plotless, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 11:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14933789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monogalya/pseuds/monogalya
Summary: After Thanos wipes out half of the universe, Natasha finds James in her dreams and he has something to say to her. She doesn't think that he is truly dead, so she tries her best to not say goodbye to him because that would feel like she's finalizing the death, solidifying it in a way.





	an attempt to hold on

“This isn’t going to get any easier.”

James spoke the words, but Nat wasn’t listening, not really. His voice sounded the same, always so resigned to the fate dropped onto his lap. Unwilling to fight that fate, ready to comply, already accepting his death.

But the thing was, James didn’t feel dead. Natasha knew that this was a dream, and though it saddened her, she also knew that it was currently the only viable way of communicating with him. She had been in this dreamland before, where everything was red and fleeting except her. Something would appear (perhaps a weapon, a familiar room, or a friend) and as soon as she brushed it with her fingertips it would turn crimson blood red and crumble away. She was careful not to touch James; she wanted as much time as they could manage.

To her surprise, he made the first move.

Nat wasn’t expecting it when James reached out for her, his hands going for her shoulders, but she was faster than him. She pulled away and a look of hurt flashed across his face. It was only a flash though, because like everything, James was always quick to accept it, even if it pained him.

“It’s not that I don’t want to touch you,” Nat tried to explain. “I can’t do that. You’ll turn to dust and disappear.”

James nodded and chuckled lightly. “Just like I did yesterday?”

Nat let herself smirk for a moment. He always had humor like that. She would have laughed along if not for the one detail that was off. Nat turned serious and squinted at him. “James, it’s been a week.”

His brows furrowed for a second, genuinely confused. “What?”

“You’ve been gone for a week,” she said.  _ This is the first time I’ve slept since that day _ , she kept to herself.

James shook his head and brushed it off, wiping away all signs of concern from his face, even though Nat knew that deep down, he was alarmed by the news. He refused to let it show though.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “Nat. Hey, look at me.”

She peered up at him and in that moment loved and hated this dreamland. Loved that she could see him again. Hated how unfair it was that she couldn’t touch him.

“I love you. I know it probably means less because I’m dead and gone and--”

Nat dropped her gaze the moment he said ‘dead.’

“It doesn’t. Because you’re not dead,” Nat murmured.

A sad look in his eyes. “I am, Nat.”

“No, you’re not. You left too soon, too suddenly, and I’m perfectly aware that I sound like a child but--  _ you’re just not _ .”

God, she couldn’t even speak properly. She refused to think that he was dead because he’s not. He didn’t  _ feel  _ dead. Nat would know. She had spoken to people in this dreamland before and James just did not feel the same way the others did. He didn’t feel so distant, so cut off from the mortal world.

“Okay, Nat, okay.”

The way he said it comforted her. His voice reassuring, soft, and gentle, like she’d always imagined lullabies to be like. Dreamy melodies of safety that cast a protective barrier to keep harm away. If this wasn’t dreamland and if he wouldn’t crumble at first contact, James would be right by her side, running his hands along her shoulders right now. But Nat could only imagine his soothing touch.

“Regardless of whether or not I’m dead--” he started to say.

“You’re not.”

“--just listen to me. I need to say this.”

He was staring right at her, waiting for a response. Nat nodded.

“I’m sorry I had to leave you. I swear this universe is messing with us and keeping us apart. And when we were together, I couldn’t even remember you. I’m sorry, Nat.”

“You don’t have to say that, don’t apologize,” she said.

Of course she hated that the universe was keeping them apart--one of them is always flying somewhere else, swept up in a mission, missing, or brainwashed. But what she hated the most was that it all sounded too much like a goodbye, like the last words he never got to say before Thanos snapped his fingers. Nat wasn’t ready for him to go.

“You have to stop Thanos,” he continued. “And it’s not getting any easier. You’ll have to manage without me and all the others. Please, Nat. I don’t want you to have to die like that too. I don’t want to see you die, Nat.”

He reached for her hair, and Nat didn’t pull away. She let it happen, let herself feel his fingers running through her hair like old times, in those rare moments when they were alone, no one telling them to risk their lives, to fight another war, to assassinate a faceless name.

“I wish we had more time,” he said.

His boots were already turning red. It wouldn’t be long until he disintegrated.

She sighed. 

“There’s never enough time,” she said. 

She wrapped her arms around him and held on for as long as she could before the inevitable happened: he crumbled to dust once again and Natasha was left there, all alone.


End file.
